Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities

I just found a juicy book written by the aforementioned Richard Sprott and coauthored by David Ortmann (2015). The concept of celebrity really changes as I become a huge nerd about BDSM and today these types of people are the superstars of my world. In the introduction, the authors remind us of the difference between the terms erotic and sexual. 

This reminds me of an excellent essay written by Audre Lorde entitled Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic As Power: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWmq9gw4Rq0 "We are taught to separate that erotic demand from most vital areas of our lives, other than sex." She describes the erotic as the "assertion of the life force of all women." Lorde reminds us of the polarity of our identities. We can be catholic and kinky, femme bike mechanic counsellors, injection drug users and PhDs. 

I was introduced to this essay through a course taught by Dawn Serra entitled Power in Pleasure: Reconnecting with you Hunger, Desire & Joy which you can access here: https://www.dawnserra.com/pleasurecourse/ Dawn is an activist based in Vancouver, BC and reminds us of the activism of experiencing pleasure and relishing in it. Through her course I was oriented towards what I find pleasurable: the feeling of acrylic paint coasting a paintbrush and sliding along a surface, the feeling of the reaching the top of a big hill on a single speed bicycle in the middle of summer, the feeling of freedom to be oneself fully and truly.

Through the Sexual Outsiders, I encountered a new take on the definition of BDSM, "forms of sexuality that incorporate restraint, pressure, sensation, training, and elements of both erotic and nonerotic power exchange between the parties engaged." I like this definition because, though it still simplifies BDSM enormously, it brings to life the experience of it. I'm going to focus on Discipline because it feels most relevant to me today.

My relationship with M, which I speak about in previous posts, https://rosekink87.blogspot.com/2022/01/entry-1-fresh-page.html has naturally been moving in a D/s direction. I had always imagined that newbies paired up with folks that were already familiar with how to do this kind of thing. It makes sense now that I'm experiencing it, that some people figure it out and learn together. M and I are attending a discussion put on by the community that I live in tomorrow called BDSM Basics: A Beginners Guide to Aftercare taught by Turning Violet. Here is a blog post I found through Violet's website on this very topic!: https://www.turningviolet.com/blog/bdsm-basics-a-beginners-guide-to-aftercare 

Yesterday, I began to connect the dots between Dominance and Discipline. The thing about being in charge is that there's a sense of honourable responsibility that comes along with it, we want to do right by our subs. In a sense, we are serving them. Sprott and Ortmann describe Discipline as when a D trains their s to create new habits and behaviours. My dynamic with M began through my frustration with M's repetitive habits that they developed, often deliberating about purchases for weeks or months. I, on the other hand, am an action-oriented individual. So, I started telling M to buy the things they proliferated about, to create the things they spontificated about and to generally stop taking up as much space with their nattering. I say this lovingly in this moment, but at times I feel genuinely angry and frustrated and then ashamed if this impacts my dear s. 

This takes me back to when I wrote about the headspace to be in when I'm Domming M. I believe that irony is a tool of spirituality so through leaning into something unpleasant, I am able to take conscious responsibility for my decisions. I'm leaning into the shame of my experience around anger, feeling small, feeling out-of-control, not important, invisible, unheard, unseen and when I command something of M that I know also benefits them, it is a jolting erotic and connecting experience. 

I am afraid of becoming power-drunk, that the experience of power will escalate sort of like tolerance to a drug. There are moments of uncertainty where I'm unsure if I'm authentically Domming my s. My family history denotes that the way to stay safe was to note the weaknesses of others and file them away so that when there is a threat that I can verbally assault the other person in a way that I know is effective and stings. I feel this part of me stir at times when I engage with my s. The urge to be mean. 

As I woman, I feel that I'm supposed to be naturally kind and supportive of others. Being mean feels like one of the most shameful labels to be awarded. But, going back to the duality of identities, I am both a mean woman and a kind person. Through my acceptance of my meanness, I believe there is an opportunity to subversively explore and enjoy this aspect of myself. I hope to post more about how I've infused this aspect of my life with erotic and spiritual energy. Please comment about your own experiences in the comments section!