Self-Care & After Care

I've been feeling eager to commit to this project and last night I sleepily sat in front of my computer pulling up articles and watching the cursor blink before I realized that I was going to have to miss a day and not post. Fridays are my mental health day so it was fitting for it to fall on such a day. I was reminded of an article that my professor recently sent my class on self-care and vulnerability. I have heard the argument that self-care is for those who can afford it, while I empathize with this statement and am frustrated with how self-care has been commodified, I also believe that most everyone has the opportunity to make choices for their own benefit at times.

In the article titled Self-Care and Authenticity, Gracy Obuchowicz reminds us that the act of vulnerability is a form of self-care. For me, this blog is an expression of vulnerability and helps balance out the hours of listening I do each week. I'm a natural listener and while I enjoy it, I stop enjoying if I'm not feeling heard. This is my opportunity to be heard. A couple days ago it dawned on me that the mentors that I so value in my education at this time, all my professors, advisors, classmates, have the opportunity to learn from me. It's still sinking in and I feel warmth on the top of my head as well as in my chest and the sides of my arms. The chance to have influence is a powerful and humbling one. It can lead me to paralyzation or passion. Right now I'm in passion after a period of paralyzation.

After the workshop that I took on BDSM and Aftercare, hosted by the lovely Turning Violet (https://www.turningviolet.com/), I continued to reflect on the overlap between self-care and aftercare. Violet recommend that we use the kinds of self-care practices that we are in the habit of doing as inspiration for aftercare when we engage in scenes. I asked if aftercare was only for scene work and she replied that it can be used for any kind of intense experience including sex. I was intrigued! Arguments? Winning an award? A hurricane warning? An emotional risk?

Another piece from the workshop that remained with me is when you encounter discrepancy in needs with a partner after an intense experience. One person may want to share some intimate conversation and another might feel like getting up and doing their own thing. Each person's needs are valid and there is an opportunity to be vulnerable and connect through gently negotiating how they could support each other to get their needs met. Through knowing each other's self-care routines and habits they can creatively use this information in the negotiation.

It can be scary for me when someone wants something from me that I don't want to give. Sometimes I forget that there's an opportunity to get closer to them through being vulnerably honest instead of engaging in people-pleasing.  Gracy says that it's still hard after much practice, but also worth it. I would agree.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What is it Like to be a BDSM Player?

 This extra intellectual and fresh perspective on the experience of those that engage in BDSM was written by three folks from Italy (Faccio, E., Sarigu, D. & Ludici, A.) and published in 2020. The full title of the article is What is it like to be a BDSM Player? The Role of Sexuality and Erotization of Power in the BDSM Experience . These researchers set out to explore what happens if we consider BDSM a sexual orientation. The introduction reminds us that the terms included in the acronym BDSM are medically originating and therefore pathologizing in their nature. The authors prefer the term Erotic Power Exchange (EPE) to describe the concepts of BDSM to participate in neutralizing marginalization that has occurred to this community. Furthermore, the legitimization of EPE as a form of erotic  expression makes it no longer "alternative". I italicize erotic because a concept that I described in an earlier post that differentiates the erotic from the sexual is especially rele...
Read more

Consensual Non-Monogamy and Kink

 In lieu of joining a local polyamory discord last night, in addition to anticipating meeting Richard Sprott tomorrow, I thought I would highlight Vilkin and Sprott's article entitled Consensual Non-Monogamy Among Kink-Identified Adults: Characteristics, Relationship Experiences, and Unique Motivations for Polyamory and Open Relationships . I mentioned in a previous post that some folks consider polyamory, or more modernly called ethical non-monogamy (ENM), as existing under the umbrella of the term kink depending on how you personally define the term. This article separates the terms and discusses how they intersect. The authors use 2 different surveys to collect data on kinky ENM individuals. In the first survey, which included 690 individuals, the researchers found that ENM individuals were likely to have committed partnerships in their life that they previously had sex with but where that was no longer a part of their relationship. About half of these kinky ENM folks were exper...
Read more