What is it Like to be a BDSM Player?

 This extra intellectual and fresh perspective on the experience of those that engage in BDSM was written by three folks from Italy (Faccio, E., Sarigu, D. & Ludici, A.) and published in 2020. The full title of the article is What is it like to be a BDSM Player? The Role of Sexuality and Erotization of Power in the BDSM Experience. These researchers set out to explore what happens if we consider BDSM a sexual orientation.

The introduction reminds us that the terms included in the acronym BDSM are medically originating and therefore pathologizing in their nature. The authors prefer the term Erotic Power Exchange (EPE) to describe the concepts of BDSM to participate in neutralizing marginalization that has occurred to this community. Furthermore, the legitimization of EPE as a form of erotic expression makes it no longer "alternative". I italicize erotic because a concept that I described in an earlier post that differentiates the erotic from the sexual is especially relevant in this article. If something is pleasurable then technically it is erotic, but not necessarily sexual by todays standards. Due to EPE not necessarily utilizing the genitals or erogenous zones makes it erotic, but is it sexual or not?

The authors define EPE as lust or attraction due to differentiation in power. If I am attracted to my landlord or my manager, this is a form of EPE. We might recognize this in the familiar trope around a powerful man lusting after his secretary (nod to the film The Secretary). One thing that makes my relationship with M interesting is that as an older man who earns significantly more money than me, dominating him is very pleasurable especially after feeling powerless to individuals that hold this identities for much of my life.

One of my favorite lines from the article (total nerd) is, "It would be more appropriate to refer to "sexualities" in the plural, considering that the varieties of sexual behaviors and meanings cannot be assigned to, or even contrasted with, some superordinate model of conduct." Though it is difficult to define something without comparing to another thing, so despite this ideal, the article proceeds by comparing BDSM to 'vanilla' sex for the purpose of illustration. The following four points will do as such.

Orgasm typically defines the conclusion and success of a vanilla sexual experience while EPE may or may not include orgasm and can still involve the experience of intensity and connection that orgasm offers. Second, EPE is pursued for a variety of reasons that include spirituality and therapeutic value. Third, the experience of EPE requires intense negotiation to be practiced safely and often leads to deep knowledge of oneself and play partners. Finally, transparency is highly valued in EPE whereas vanilla sex often, but not always, involves hidden agendas.

As I mentioned earlier, "Eroticism refers to an aesthetic focus on desire, particularly feelings of sensuality, mind-body engagement, excitement, and anticipation....While sexuality involves technicality and mechanics, the erotic is more about the mystery surrounding what the mechanic might do to us." Part of the experience of EPE is transgression and the excitement that can result from acting out fantasies that might not otherwise be considered 'appropriate behavior'. EPE is unique in that is considers the person as a whole erotic being, their mind and their experiences are as erotic as their genitals.