Avoidant Kink

 I have a feeling that there is some way to channel my experience of avoidance into kink. There is a book by Carolyn Elliot that I read and discussed with some friends not long ago that really moved me. Here's a link to her website:

http://carolyngraceelliott.com/philosophy

and another to a meditation based on her work:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jKeYyh_ig8

So her philosophy is based on the idea that we recreate certain types of suffering for ourselves over and over again because we get something out of the experience, part of us secretly enjoys it for some reason. If we could take inventory of what we are getting out of it and start creating this type of experience more intentionally then it shifts.

In my initial post, A Fresh Page (https://rosekink87.blogspot.com/2022/01/entry-1-fresh-page.html), I described experimenting with sadism and impact play with my friend and partner MS. Part of my draw towards experiencing this with him was a result of me feeling quite irritated in response to him on a regular basis. I thought that perhaps I could channel this energy into an impact play experience with him, which he was already desiring for his own reasons.

One thing that I had wondered from my previous, but limited, liaisons with MS of this type is that I wanted to know what type of headspace that he was consenting to me being in. I realized that if I were impacting him with this energy of irritation, that it could potentially be hurtful. So I brought these ideas up to MS. We have not yet come to a conclusion. If you, the reader, have any thoughts about this then please comment!

Back to the avoidance. I had always considered myself an anxiously attached individual as I felt that I often ended up in relationship dynamics where I was putting in more effort to remain connected than the other person and I felt like I would be 'chasing' people. This furthered my conception of myself and I assumed that I was attracted to folks that tended towards the more avoidant side.

More recently, I have had the opportunity to break some of the habits that I have ended up engaging in that highlight my anxiousness and what has been reveals but my own brand of avoidance! Surprise! My avoidance shows up that I feel some amount of disgust for those that I feel close to when I spend a lot of time interacting with them. In order to cope with my discomfort I can often become critical (irritable). 

So, in a way, it's even closer to the root to address the experience of avoidance. How can I play with avoidance? First step is to ask, "What do I get from my avoidant tendencies?". I get a sense of security that I will not expect more from another person than what is being offered, therefore positioning myself so as to not be disappointed or experience a sense of rejection. Perhaps I also enjoy the chase, I get some sense of kinky delight from chasing another human and winning them over.

I actually love to chase people, but I don't know how to do it in a way that feels empowering yet. I'm confident that it's possible and kink provides a framework that allows me the opportunity to play with it. Because the foundation of kink is that we are safe, sane and consensual (SSC). Here's an article if you are not familiar with the concept:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/safe-sane-consensual-the-bedrock-ethics-of-bdsm-0316155

Through these practices I feel most anything can really be explored...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Self-Care & After Care

I've been feeling eager to commit to this project and last night I sleepily sat in front of my computer pulling up articles and watching the cursor blink before I realized that I was going to have to miss a day and not post. Fridays are my mental health day so it was fitting for it to fall on such a day. I was reminded of an article that my professor recently sent my class on self-care and vulnerability. I have heard the argument that self-care is for those who can afford it, while I empathize with this statement and am frustrated with how self-care has been commodified, I also believe that most everyone has the opportunity to make choices for their own benefit at times. In the article titled Self-Care and Authenticity , Gracy Obuchowicz reminds us that the act of vulnerability is a form of self-care. For me, this blog is an expression of vulnerability and helps balance out the hours of listening I do each week. I'm a natural listener and while I enjoy it, I stop enjoying if I...
Read more

What is it Like to be a BDSM Player?

 This extra intellectual and fresh perspective on the experience of those that engage in BDSM was written by three folks from Italy (Faccio, E., Sarigu, D. & Ludici, A.) and published in 2020. The full title of the article is What is it like to be a BDSM Player? The Role of Sexuality and Erotization of Power in the BDSM Experience . These researchers set out to explore what happens if we consider BDSM a sexual orientation. The introduction reminds us that the terms included in the acronym BDSM are medically originating and therefore pathologizing in their nature. The authors prefer the term Erotic Power Exchange (EPE) to describe the concepts of BDSM to participate in neutralizing marginalization that has occurred to this community. Furthermore, the legitimization of EPE as a form of erotic  expression makes it no longer "alternative". I italicize erotic because a concept that I described in an earlier post that differentiates the erotic from the sexual is especially rele...
Read more

Consensual Non-Monogamy and Kink

 In lieu of joining a local polyamory discord last night, in addition to anticipating meeting Richard Sprott tomorrow, I thought I would highlight Vilkin and Sprott's article entitled Consensual Non-Monogamy Among Kink-Identified Adults: Characteristics, Relationship Experiences, and Unique Motivations for Polyamory and Open Relationships . I mentioned in a previous post that some folks consider polyamory, or more modernly called ethical non-monogamy (ENM), as existing under the umbrella of the term kink depending on how you personally define the term. This article separates the terms and discusses how they intersect. The authors use 2 different surveys to collect data on kinky ENM individuals. In the first survey, which included 690 individuals, the researchers found that ENM individuals were likely to have committed partnerships in their life that they previously had sex with but where that was no longer a part of their relationship. About half of these kinky ENM folks were exper...
Read more