What my capstone has become, 6 weeks to go

As I began this project, I knew that I wanted to further understand power dynamics. As a push for culturally informed counselling is unfolding, what stood out for me was the concept of power. My preexisting interest in sexuality led me to consider the culture of sexuality, which could involve different geographical, religious, gender orientations. My involvement in a sex positive 12 step meeting led me to consider power and sexuality through the lens of BDSM. 

These aspects of my life were explored and analyzed and further explored somatically, recognizing that there are limitations to the intellect. It felt like the subject matter of my capstone was a moving target and that my focus kept changing. I didn't realize that it was all really about me. 

Then I decided upon an autoethnography, finally admitting that the paper was and always has been about my personal experience. I thought that I wasn't allow to contribute personally to academia because I am not a fact. I feared that my experience was not important enough to be shared and there was little others might learn from it. 

I've come to realize that I'm wrong and now I'm owning my contribution. I recognize that it might not be perfect. That I am a baby when it comes to my experience of BDSM and yet I might sound like an expert from all the journal articles that I've read and absorbed into my understanding of what it is. This does not matter unless I pretend otherwise. My experience as a baby is still valuable and useful knowledge.

So, my capstone skeleton is the story of my experience of sexual abuse, how it has impacted my ability to own the power that I am imbued with as a white, cis, able woman. It uncovers the ways in which my experience of power is thwarted in a deep way that is subtle to recognize if you were to witness me as a fly on the wall. At the end I propose using BDSM in the form of trauma play to address some of the impacts of sexual abuse.

The purpose of sharing this journey is education, for counsellors in particular, and making power visible so as to better show up for some kinky individuals as they attempt to heal in the context of their personal lifestyles.  Furthermore, my work aligns with the concept of response-based therapy in that it draws on resources outside of the counselling context and takes the victim of violence from a passive receiver into an active participant of the violence.

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