BDSM, becoming and the flows of desire

Charlotta Carlström (2018) conducted a 5 year study interviewing BDSM practitioners and generally involving herself in the local Swedish kink community. Through their exploration, the author presents the concept of 'flow' referring to the the process of becoming a practitioner of BDSM. Important to note is that this is only one of many ways to flow. What if we see desire as an energy that motivates and orients us towards different stimuli that we then lean into?

Though abuse is not a theme within power exchange relationships, I'm going to use my personal experiences as an opportunity to illustrate the use of energy. Through the experiences of sexual assault that I have accrued, I personally experience arousal that is connected to fear. Authority figures can stimulate fear in me and as a result I can use this understanding of myself to recreate the experience of fear and arousal in ways that leave me feeling physically and emotionally safe and cared for. 

Once I notice that I have a certain kind of energy inside my body and that energy is associated with authority, it allows me to influence how I experience it and who I allow myself to experience it with. I recognize that general physical attraction to an individual is situational. Being alone in a room with someone creates a kind of intimacy and stimulates the possibility of connection. Previously knowing that someone is a safe individual to connect with before spending time alone with them can increase my chances of an outcome that doesn't leave my mind spinning and a sense of mistrust within me. 

My superpower is noticing very subtle cues. This includes my sense of smell which I have come to make distinctions between the smell of fear, burnout, and genuine care and love. Another subtle tool that is extremely useful to me is my stomach. Deep in the pit of it I can feel if something is off or not. I can even reach through a state of total overwhelm and find it ever so small inside me that I am in fact safe even when all signs point otherwise. This energy keeps me close to reality and close to others so that I don't spin out into fantasy worlds that are based on my fears of the past. 

My first kinky experience would have to be definitely in my teens and it revolves around the fear of getting caught. Through the experience of getting caught I feel aroused. It would be possible to construct a scene where you had agreeable viewers who consent to 'catching you' and you could even script what they might say. Perhaps something about me being a slut who needs a cock shoved down my throat. Whatever words have significance to the architect of the scene. 

The word 'slut' carries a lot of energy and I remember clearly the moments that my most trusted female caregivers extended it to me as it was as sharp as a knife in the heart as a young one. The intensity of that energy can be transferred into a sexual situation where the fear of that past moment combined with sexual pleasure received by a trusted friend. What is this experience we are creating? 

The scene is a canvas and you have a variety of paints to create the emotional and experiential landscape of what you are trying to achieve as the artist...architect. These are the choices we are afforded to make in the therapeutic room as well. What kind of experience is this person looking for? How can we discover it together? How can we enact it in a way that feels natural and is helpful to the experience of the client?


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