Role of Consent in a BDSM Context

 One of the more common myths that I have come across about the BDSM culture is that the submissive individual does not hold power or control. I am reminded of quadrants of the wheel of consent that involve taking and allowing. If we were a fly on the wall watching two individuals interacting with one another it is subtle to understand that one person might be doing to another for their own pleasure. An example would be an individual with a foot fetish massaging a play partner's foot. To folks who enjoy foot massages, without knowing the context of the interaction we might miss that the massage is actually for the benefit or request of the masseuse rather than the massaged. This means the foot owner is allowing their friend to fondle their feet and the foot owner has, hopefully, given explicit consent for this exchange.

We can overlook this aspect of consent at times because it is more subtle than the kind we are used to, which is giving and receiving. These are the nuances of BDSM interactions. With that in mind, we can understand that a submissive has, hopefully, given explicit permission to their Dominant to do certain things to them knowing full well that permission can be rescinded at any time.

An article I came across entitled The Role of Consent in a BDSM Context was 2019 by Cara Dunkley and Vancouver's own Lori Brotto. I became familiar with some of Lori's work having lived on Vancouver Island and I'm excited to come across an article published by her. The researchers dive even deeper into the concept of consent and responsibilities as a Dominant presenting it as three layers. The first layer is superficial consent, saying yes or no to a request, layer two includes consent in a scene that involves a more through negotiation of logistics and boundaries and the third layer they call 'deep consent' which means that the Dominant must be aware of how the submissive individual's state of mind might influence their ability to give or relinquish consent.

These different levels of communication suit the amount of risk that might present in a particular situation and they are all useful. The more folks playing together know each other, the less negotiation a scene will involve because of already established guidelines. When play is less involved, there is also less to negotiate. Crossing boundaries and not obtaining consent is a big offense and, hopefully, the individual who is unable to play safely will be addressed and given an opportunity to address their behaviour likely followed by removal from the community to maintain the safety that is necessary for play environments.

There are lots of opportunities to learn about consent in the sex positive community. Every play party I've attended opens with an icebreaker activity that often involves a consent component. Some sex clubs require that you take their consent training before joining as a member. Consent is a buzz word these days and I've heard from many people that it takes the magic and spontaneity out of connecting with others. I used to also feel and fear that it made things awkward, but after practicing I actually find that it's a very intimate conversation that can make me feel closer and safer connecting with another individual.

I think that's another piece that I've started to learn since engaging in some light BDSM play myself is that this type of play is very intimate and can foster closeness with other humans. Thus, I have also learned that it is important to pick playmates carefully. Just because someone knows the techniques of a particular type of play such as bondage or wax, doesn't mean that they have a handle on how to negotiate consent around these activities. If you feel uneasy or confused during a negotiation, that is possibly a sign that someone is trying to manipulate you. Luckily at play parties there are individuals who are scheduled to keep an eye on play at parties so as to mitigate non-consensual activity as much as can be done. One of the benefits of practicing BDSM in community is that there are others with more experience to learn from and talk to.

This article contains a whole section on differentiating between consensual BDSM play and abuse which I will get to in a future post. Feel free to post in the comments what you might guess are signs.