Asexual BDSM

 Whether you're sexual or not, BDSM is still something folks engage in. Even though I'm a sexual being, I have a non-sexual BDSM relationship that I'm exploring with a partner that I talk about earlier on in the blog. Our relationship continues to grow and I help M achieve goals that he has otherwise developed habits that interrupt his progress. Most recently I commanded him to share a calendar with me as he appears to double, or even triple book himself at times. I told him that he had to ask permission before agreeing to any more social appointments. 

I wasn't sure of myself when I asked these things of him, Is this okay? Is this controlling? Am I allowed to ask this of someone else? I don't always trust M because I've noticed that he can say things that people want to hear rather than speaking his truth. I noticed this because his story would consistently change from one moment to the next depending on the situation. So I wasn't sure how to navigate getting consent around this new command with him. I booked an appointment with Turning Violet who offers coaching to discuss (https://www.turningviolet.com/) and I look forward to what she has to say.

In the meantime, while I wait for her availability, M and I have had further conversations about us collaborating in this way. I have spoken to him about how he has said that he wants to do this with me, but consistently put off making it happen. We have spoken about how we might not always live in the same physical location and how it might be a tool to stay connected. We talked about how keeping his schedule secret creates some kind of safety for him. More will be revealed.

As we navigate this non-sexual D/s relationship, I crave more information about how others do this and why. I came across an article by Lorca Jolene Sloan (love the name!) written in 2015 and entitled Ace of (BDSM) Clubs: Building Asexual Relationships Through BDSM Practice. Now, I feel a little hesitant to align myself as I identify as a sexual being and I want to name that this study was created to lift up an often overlooked minority of individuals. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from these folk's practices, while at the same time having the privilege of not having to experience the minoritization that is otherwise rampant. I see you and I hope to create space in my own counselling practice for those who may not want their romantic or intimate relationships to include overt sexuality.

Sloan (2015) notes, "Practitioners utilize BDSM archetypes, language, and props to converge social categories like race, gender, sexuality, class, and age through fantasy and activity in a way that constitutes radical intimacies." Most often the experience is a scene that includes a form of consensual power exchange and is concluded by the experience of aftercare, which you can read a bit about in former posts.

According to the article, Dominants are aware of the power that they wield and recognize its strength by tailoring it to benefit the submissive they are in relationship with. One individual that was interviewed shares that through BDSM play they have learned that they can 'expect respect' when they're feeling vulnerable and no longer need to fear that someone will attack them while they are feeling exposed. Part of scene negotiation is about the type of headspace that you and your play partners are attempting to achieve. Creating new neural pathways of understanding intimacy and vulnerability if they have otherwise been interrupted by our chaotic world become possible through play.

The article continues by articulating that it can be complex to figure out what will incite a partner's desire to have sex, we all have different boundaries and activities that we associate with the beginning of what goest from physical intimacy to sexual intimacy. Even when a boundary around sex not being a part of the connection is put in place, it can become hazy in the heat of the moment. The researcher found that asexual individuals would engage in additional emotional labor of learning about their partner's sexual expectations in order to ensure they were minimized in a scene.

Framing sex as a kink gives asexual individual the opportunity to reject is just as they might thousands of other kinky possibilities. The negotiation that is required of practicing BDSM gives folks the language and communication skills necessary to navigate much needed human touch without the fears and stressors of it becoming something that doesn't fit the individuals involved. There's a popular saying in the sex positive community: 'Don't yuck my yum.' We are reminded that no one's personal preferences are superior to anyone else's, they are simply different.