Consensual Non-Monogamy and Kink

 In lieu of joining a local polyamory discord last night, in addition to anticipating meeting Richard Sprott tomorrow, I thought I would highlight Vilkin and Sprott's article entitled Consensual Non-Monogamy Among Kink-Identified Adults: Characteristics, Relationship Experiences, and Unique Motivations for Polyamory and Open Relationships. I mentioned in a previous post that some folks consider polyamory, or more modernly called ethical non-monogamy (ENM), as existing under the umbrella of the term kink depending on how you personally define the term. This article separates the terms and discusses how they intersect.

The authors use 2 different surveys to collect data on kinky ENM individuals. In the first survey, which included 690 individuals, the researchers found that ENM individuals were likely to have committed partnerships in their life that they previously had sex with but where that was no longer a part of their relationship. About half of these kinky ENM folks were experiencing clashing kinky interests with partners. The final point describes the difficulty of 'coming out' to social networks with cis-men experiencing the most success.

The second study was a bit smaller at 70 individual and included more in-depth interviewing techniques. 40% of the sample, or 29 individuals, were then extrapolated due to identifying that CNM was a significant aspect of their kinky lifestyles. Either CNM gave folks opportunites to explore their kinks by allowing them the freedom to find kink-compatible others or exploring kink while monogamous led to a more CNM lifestyle. Interesting stuff! 

The researchers noted some conflict that arose in these individuals trying to make sense of their identity as either kinky or ENM or both or neither. Themes included fluctuating desires and intermittent successes finding kink-compatible partners, as well as some subtle feelings pressure from the kink community to identify as ENM. It's important to remember that kinky people still date what we call 'vanilla' or more culturally mainstream partners. Some folks discussed that their partner was okay with ENM, but as the relationship progress and feelings deepened that it became harder to cope with. 

It appears than one way that folks cope with the tension between monogamy and kink is to develop a leather family, which appears to be a monogamous group of trusted individuals. I find this especially fascinating because I grew up in a non-monogamous household and in the last 15 years my parents entered a closed thrupple. It seems that relationship structures shift and transition to try and meet the needs of everyone involved in order to be sustainable.